BY: Alex Koszeghy
DATE: 4 May 2017
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a professional ballerina so that I could shine and sparkle before thousands of people. I saw myself dancing on magnificent stages around the world, while wearing beautiful tutus, covered in rhinestones and sequins. I imagined myself glistening and radiating for everyone to see, and using my shine to make a difference in the world.
Little did I know that I would indeed, one day, sparkle before millions of people. However, I wouldn’t be sparkling in tutus or sequins dancing ballet, but rather I would be shining in full body glitter cheering on my favorite sports teams as a hard core fan!
The journey of becoming “Glitter Girl,” however, was anything but sparkly. Before the glitter and shine, there was pain and brokenness. Before I could radiate my light to the world, I had to first experience what it was like to live in darkness. But had it never been for that dark period, I would have never found my inner strength and sparkle.
During my teenage years, I really struggled with my self-esteem and body image. These factors, along with the pressures I faced from the ballet world, eventually led to me developing anorexia nervosa, which I would then battle for many years. During these years, I remember feeling hopeless, desperate, and defeated. I stopped enjoying life and I felt like I was a slave to my own brain.
But my story did not end in sadness and grief, but rather in sparkles and glitter! Throughout my recovery process, I slowly began to learn how to love myself and accept myself unconditionally. I stopped worrying about what others thought of me and starting focusing solely on what I thought about me. I realized that at the end of the day, I am the one who spends the most time with myself, so I had better like myself! I stopped seeing myself as a number on a scale, and began to see myself as a valuable human being who had something special to offer the world. I started really loving and embracing myself entirely.
And that’s how glitter girl was born… Glitter girl is the name that I give to my game day self, so I talk about her in third person. Glitter girl kind of represents everything that I wasn’t during the time period that I struggled with anorexia. She is confident and outgoing, vivacious and charismatic. She is completely over the top, but I love her so much! I loved being able to be glitter girl, because it allowed me to kind of transform into a different person for a little bit.
Even though I have come so far in my recovery process, there are still some areas that I struggle with when I am Alex. I am still working on my confidence, and my self-esteem is a still a work in progress, but when I am glitter girl, I am able to completely shed all of my insecurities and fears and be my completely fabulous self. I can be weird and different and awkward and extraordinary and not have the slightest care in the world what anyone thinks when I am covered in glitter. I guess glitter girl is kind of like my alter ego that allows me to experience what life fully recovered and healed is like, and I absolutely love it.
But what I am starting to realize, is that glitter girl is really just Alex with a layer of glitter on. The same girl who acts silly and goofy and outrageous and weird while cheering on her Tar Heels, is the same girl that walks around campus every day with a smile on her face. As much as I love being glitter girl, I am beginning to realize that I don’t need to be glitter girl anymore to embrace my true self. I can be goofy and silly, even without the layer of sparkle. I can shine my light for the world to see without my glitter.
Glitter girl helped me find my inner strength and my inner sparkle. Now I am ready to show the world that same sparkle and shine as Alex. Glitter girl may be pretty awesome, but I think that Alex may just prove to be even more awesome.